Black while navigating white-space
When I was in my early twenties, I always give props to those white guys who sought after black women. Young and ignorant, I always said, “Being with a woman makes you a man, but being with a black woman makes you a Superman!”
The magic behind the white friend who dates black women is the level of extra commonality (which I now know as counterfeit), that isn’t present in the common white man. You see, being black in America we always have to code-switch and be mindful that your world as a white person isn’t our world at all. It’s very much like we are pretending to be white in a white world, while knowing good and well that we are not. And in socializing in whiteface we tend to take care of the needs — automatically — of our white peers delicate sociological bubbles before our own. Part of this, is not putting our white buddy in a situation which makes them look racist.
Two different worlds
So long story short, us black men navigating through white-space typically pump the brakes in regards to our pursuit and love of black women when it comes to sharing thoughts with our white buddies.
We simply don’t expect white men to judge black women properly. We expect white men to view our black women as others, because the entirety of white society views ALL black people as others. Assuming otherwise simply isn’t safe.
So when a white man confirms the notion that they like black women, it seems like, “Cool, someone else who I can TRULY talk to about ALL women!” I can now share more life experience, like how friends supposed to do. Cookout passes were being passed out, left and right.
Now, I side-eye the fuck out of them. Needless to say, I ain’t handing out passes to the cookout anymore.
I cannot see them the same way anymore
Knowing what I know now about how race and sex intersects, I have a categorically huge suspicion of white men who seek black women. I don’t see that commonality I saw anymore; these men are going after black women for different reasons than I. Or, it might be better said that those white men are getting a different satisfaction out of dating black women among black people.
This is about how I don’t see a particular folk like I used to. I see these white men as toxic white allies.
One problem I identify is a great amount of white saviorism involved. I really don’t hear about this enough; most interracial relationship critique is aimed at black men, even I have placed word in that direction.
Remember when I wrote that one huge article on white allies (assets)? Remember where I pointed out how most white allies’ motivation doesn’t come from wanting to dismantle systemic racism, and how their core motivations typically come from the still-white supremacist desire to be better than other whites? Well in this issue there’s a sinister motivation that’s adjacent to the white ally situation.
Most white men who pursue black women get a genuinely white supremacist satisfaction out of the notion of being better than black men. It gets worse when their white supremacist desires are validated by dating “woke” black women who critique or bash black men. I believe these white men who date woke, anti-black-male-speaking black women get a white supremacist’s high off of it all. They might not weigh in; they should be smart enough to know it’s not their place. But they do get a racist satisfaction out of the notion of beating a black man physically and emotionally. And there lies my problem with them all — white men, love the notion of being a superior select for minority women. This is still white supremacy in motion.
When it comes to getting to know white allies concerning this anti-racism struggle, eventually that white ally will come to think that they are better than you are. They will eventually think that they know your struggle better than you do. They will think you are wrong about your own experiences. Now, if white people begin thinking they are a better anti-racism fighter than a black person (which is a position tied to white supremacy), what makes you think that they won’t think the same concerning intimate relationships with black people?
This situation gets further problematic when you factor in “woke” folks. White men who are apparently “woke” seem to be invincible, perfect saviors when woke black women highlight every issue with men as a “black men” issue, while dating a white man — the original oppressor — as if she cannot get emotionally terrorized, gaslighted, abused by a white man. And yes, the original oppressor, the prime sinister, has to be mentioned for it is not a moot point. When Very Smart Brothas published the column, Straight Black Men Are the White People of Black People, it sparked a comically histrionic but very valid outrage; white people have not vacated their premises in exercising systemic racism which oppress, suppress and even persecute minorities, which includes black women. Because our most intelligent black women elevate these white men, unintentionally or not, as flawless men, these white men are capable to doing the most damage to our black women due to a great level of trust invested. This is another problem where you as the black man get to cradle wounded sisters in your arms, super-pissed at the fact that even you trusted the white fellow as a brother or a cousin.
Let’s get one thing straight; this isn’t about jealousy, envy, or the fuckboy notion that all women belongs to my singular self. This isn’t about my desire; I’m good. This is about how I don’t see a particular folk like I used to. I see these white men as toxic white allies. Due to the fact that too many of these white men get their white supremacist jollies off by dating black women among black men — on top of dealing more damage to black women — I’m no longer passing out high-fives and cookout badges. Sure, it’s none of my business. But I’m still side-eying.